last day

mom died yesterday, december 25, 2010, around 9:25AM. 

she had a breathing emergency at 6:30 AM the day before, Friday, Christmas Eve, and we started hospice care then.  we left her at 6PM in the evening, she was exhausted and sleeping heavily without need of morphine or atavan or anything.  jane and i attended midnight mass and crawled into bed 2AM Christmas day.  later in the morning after some coffee i drove the 4 miles to be with her and when i walked in paul and peter, the two care-givers, were just dialing for help.  mom was agitated and crying out in pain.  i knelt by the bed and took her hands, her eyes focused on my face and she seemed to know it was me.  i soothed her and told her we are going to take care of the pain.  i pulled a cc of morphine and squirted it into her mouth just as she started to gasp and convulse.  she was staring up at the ceiling, eyes unfocused, as if she was seeing right through it. i held her hand, stroked her face and hair and told her over and over that it's okay, it's all good, just let go, it's okay to go.  a few last gasps and a shudder.  no pulse. no breath, all still. 

peter placed a hand on my shoulder as i knelt by the bed holding mom, weaping. 



this was all so fast.  after a long slow ten year cognitive decline and a slow two years of middle stage dementia, she thumped into her end days late this summer.  a lot of falls, increasing confusion.  this was not alzheimers, she always knew who she was and she knew and fretted over her loss of memory.  the last 6 weeks were a nightmare for her...fear, anxiety, agitation, exhaustion.  things kept shifting and it was hard to stay on top of what she needed...all the way up to the last where we thought she had more time.  she fooled us. she slept through the night in no pain and it wasn't until her last moments that she felt a lot of discomfort. her end came blessedly fast.